By Jacquie Njoroge
In 2019, I started a new tradition. I decided that before the end of every year, I would begin to ponder about the theme for the incoming year. That theme would set the tone for many of the things God and I would do throughout the year. 2020 was the year of expansion, and I can tell you that had I known what 2020 had in store for me personally, I am 80% sure I wouldn’t have chosen such a theme or made such a proclamation.
Despite the chaos that came with the realisation of the theme of expansion, I embarked on a journey of understanding. As 2020 came to a close, one thing was certain; many things were about to change in my life. I didn’t know the what or the how, but I did know that change was coming, and it would be massive, and one of them revolves around writing.
2021 became my year of confidence. I remember struggling with this proclamation for some time, and for two major reasons. The first is that for the longest time, I struggled with having confidence in myself. The second is that I wasn't sure I was ready to have confidence in myself as bold as the proclamation sounded.
Proverbs 19:21 says “that many are the plans of a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” I sat there with a proclamation I didn’t believe in or understand, but then something interesting began to happen.
God started to show up in the unlikeliest of places.
He began showing up in my dreams.
He began showing up in the way I plan my routine.
He even began showing up in my menu for the week, and that started to work something in me.
You see, for the longest time, confidence in me meant confidence in my ability. Confidence in me was captured through the lens of what I could and could not do. Confidence in me meant I was as good enough as I saw myself, and this was dangerous, especially when I failed at something. Failure coloured my lenses in certain areas and I had declared myself a second class citizen in many things, simply because I felt I was not good enough. I had labelled myself based on an imperfect analysis of who I was, and that had influenced a lot of the decisions I had made. This went on for a long time but it was time to change the lenses through which I saw myself. It was time to see myself through the lenses of the one who made me; my Creator.
“When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained, what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him?
For You have made him a little lower than the angels, and You have crowned him with glory and honour. You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen — even the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea that pass through the paths of the seas”
I don’t know about you, but when I read this scripture this year, something shifted inside of me. I began to understand one thing I have missed for the last twenty-six years and ten months of my life. My confidence cannot be pegged on how I see myself, no; it must be pegged on who my Creator says I am. After all, He took time and made me. When He thought about creating the world, somewhere in His mind was a little girl called Jacquie born in a family of two children and with a mother and father of two Bantu tribes. He knew I would have one brother and that although we would be friends, we would be very different, and that was okay.
I needed to change the way I see myself. Actually, He needed to change the way I see myself and change He did. In the last 3 months, I have learnt to see myself through three new lenses.
One lens says I am enough. God's creation of me was not a cosmic happenstance or a mindless accident. It was intentional and by design. And because it was by design, I cannot live as though I need to prove myself.
The second lens says that I matter. Anyone who has struggled with self-worth will tell you they have felt like they do not matter. Like their presence or lack thereof would not make a difference, but guess what, it does. My existence makes a difference. In my family, in my workplace and even in my community. My existence does something somewhere, even when sometimes I don't feel it. Someone somewhere says they have a best friend because I exist. Someone somewhere thinks they have a great sister because I exist. Someone somewhere may have fallen in love and said they would want to spend the rest of their life with me. Who knows? To all these people I matter.
The last lens says that I am loved. This may not make a difference to you, but for me, it means everything. When I look back over the years and see the prayer requests I made, I know I am loved because the specificity to which God answered those prayers is too meticulous to call it a coincidence. My being here today is evidence of God's love for me because even where I am in all spheres of my life is an answered prayer and that in itself is a reason to rejoice.
These three lenses have taught me that I am here for a reason, and whether sometimes I know it or not, God is in the business of making sure I know what that reason is, whether in part or in whole. Ephesians 2:10 reminds me that I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand, that I should walk in them.
What this tells me is that God has a plan for me. That plan definitely involves other people because otherwise, there would be no need to exist in a family, a class or even a community. As I think about what to do and where to go, I must think about those who are around me and dare to dream. I must dare to dream because if God has prepared it, it means it can be done, and that gives me confidence enough.
I wonder what lenses colour your life that you are unable to see yourself as God sees you. Truth be told, even as I have three new lenses to see myself through, sometimes I still struggle, but each time I doubt, God is there to reassure me. I am on a journey and God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, only obedient. In the words of J. C. Ryle, “even the best of men, are men at best, and I think I can live with that.”
As we go through the seasons of life, one thing is evident, everything we go through and choose to do impacts someone. It could impact us solely as individuals, but oftentimes it affects more than just us. For this reason, we exist. To worship God in various forms of expression. By drawing, painting, acting, singing, defending the accused, treating the sick and even creating financial models for institutions that help them be better and do better. All of it needs each one of us because one person can't do it all. We need each other. I need you and you need me. And to do all these things, we all need confidence, I need confidence. Confidence in the One who made me, and confidence in who He says I am.
And so, as I write this today, I can boldly say that this is my year of confidence. Confidence in the One who gives me identity, and confidence in who I am in Him. And I look forward to seeing what that looks like for those He has placed and will place in my life both near and far. Until next time, adieu!
Jacquie Njoroge is part of 2021 Nariobi Cohort and is an Associate at a Law Firm in Nairobi. She is passionate about justice and reforming the legal industry.